PSL masterpost

[ruinatings]

there's sibling incest and other gross shit in here watch your step

Comments

[reeldeal]

I'll be alright.

[It's absolutely going to be miserable, but he's still intending on doing it alone.]

I'll feel better out doing something than sitting here, but you need to heal.

[saddleclub]

Don't be foolish. No one may be immediately after your life but doing something like that alone won't be easy.

[reeldeal]

I'm not expecting it to be easy.

[He's not really expecting to find anything, either. He has an inkling of why he was saved, and it wouldn't apply to anyone else. If they're really dead, all he'll be doing is sitting in waiting rooms and looking at paperwork. And, of course, crying a lot, but at least there'll be closure.]

But it's not dangerous, and I'll call you if anything comes up.

[saddleclub]

It doesn't matter if it's dangerous. That's the sort of quest you shouldn't undertake alone.

[It sounds far too painful to face even with company.]

[reeldeal]

Jusis...

[Yeah, it's going to be sad. But for Rean, is he doesn't take action, all he'll do is wallow in guilt and self-criticism. He could wait for Jusis, but, in addition to that...]

I heard your brother is still in care too. To be honest, I'd rather not meet him until I'm done.

[In other words he needs time, and Jusis needs time to "handle it".]

It'll be best for both of us to work through our problems on our own. I'll always be a phonecall away, okay?

[saddleclub]

[He looks at Rean and he knows Rean needs this. And if Rean is waiting for Jusis it means Jusis can't focus on Rufus. And yet he still hates how his heart is being torn between two people.]

If you must.

[He says as calmly and with as much disinterest as possible. The least he can do is not bother Rean with his own weaknesses.]

The same applies for you. When it gets to be too much, you know how to contact me.

[It hurts like his heart is breaking, but his expression is mostly calm, he's even better than he used to be at this, acting fine over what he feels. He even smiles, manages to tease Rean.]

I'd almost call you masochistic. Just don't take everything on alone.

[No one needs to examine the irony in that statement.]

[reeldeal]

Thanks, Jusis.

[Of course he knows Jusis is bothered by it. He's oblivious to what's actually going on, but there's a tension in the air he can't ignore. Still, he can't tell Jusis he'll wait up on him. Not this time. He can however reach over to pat Jusis on the shoulder.]

It means a lot to have your support.

[saddleclub]

You'll always have my support.

[He huffs. Trying not to sound... Sad. Tired. He should be happy, Rean's alive.]

[reeldeal]

And you'll always have mine. I'll come back as soon as I can.

[And then they can be sad TOGETHER. Rean smiles reassuringly, not hiding his own sadness but trying to make it a little less depressing.]

I'm sure you're going to be buried under a mountain of paperwork as soon as you're out of here anyway.

[saddleclub]

[He smiles back, no less depressed, but reaching to squeeze Rean's hand again.]

I'm sure it'll be more relaxing than your journey, all the same.

[reeldeal]

I dunno. I think my brain might melt if I had to do all that.

...Hey, Jusis?

[saddleclub]

Yes?

[What could Rean want? They've said all they need to, surely.]

[reeldeal]

Our friends are all strong. It might be a long shot, but they deserve for us to keep our hopes up. Even if it's only one person, I'll bring them back.

[He's determined. He's also going to marinate in unhappiness and blame himself for everything, but he's not the type to give up hope.]

[saddleclub]

...Don't get your hopes up. But... If anyone can do it, I know it's you.

[He just doesn't want the disappointment to hurt Rean too deeply, if he finds no one else. His own survival is a miracle as it is.]

[reeldeal]

[Oh even if he finds someone, every body he finds is going to cut very deep. But if he doesn't have hope he won't be able to move, so he's going to hang onto it.]

I hope you're right. ...I should get going, I guess.

[saddleclub]

["Don't go" "I want you to stay" "I want to stay with you" all things Jusis could say. He knows the words! But as sentences he can construct and voice they seem impossible.]

Take care of yourself. I expect to hear from you regularly.

[reeldeal]

I'll check in at least once a week.

[Call Jusis to cry, that is. But for now he's getting up, because it's discharge day for him and he's heading straight out on his sad sad journey.]

[saddleclub]

See that you do.

[He feels like he's been abandoned. Or maybe that he's abandoned Rean? But as it stands he can't go with Rean and can't make him stay, so he settles to stare at his ceiling and determinedly not cry.]

[reeldeal]

[Rean feels the same way really -- cruel for leaving Jusis, lonely, but unable to sit still. He swallows those feelings as best he can, and takes off after he's gotten packed. He has enough savings to carry him, and he's prepared to take odd jobs to pad those numbers.

The first death certificate he verifies is Alisa's. He talks to her mother, who puts on a calm face recounting the factory explosion that everyone knows wasn't an accident. Rean feels silly for crying when Irina isn't, but he's sure she's processing it in her own way.

It goes on from there:

Machias Regnitz, executed for planning a coup
Laura S. Arseid, casualty of a car crash
Elliot Craig, victim of a mugging gone wrong
Fie Claussell, killed during a guerilla attack on imperial forces
Emma Millstein, suicide
Gaius Worzel, hunting accident
Millium Orion, caught by a live wire in a storm
Crow Armbrust, motorcycle accident

Rean finds them all. Finds family or friends, autopsy reports, undeniable evidence of death. It's suspicious, yes, but each case was so different and so easily proven there's nothing to say it's anything but a series of unfortunate coincidences. He calls Jusis every time he's finished an investigation, and cries every time.

He doesn't want to accept it but they all add up... except for Crow. That body was so badly burnt and mangled they could only identify it by clothing and the bike's licence number. Rean should believe it, after the rest, but those were all so cut and dry he can't help but have a feeling something is different.

Call it a hunch, but Rean's spent the last few weeks chasing scraps of second-hand info, until he's found himself at a door in the slums of some border city he's never been to before. He was taught a pattern to knock: two short, pause 3 seconds, four long. He's holding his breath now, waiting to see if the door will open, and who might be on the other side.]

[wokebae]

[It didn't take all his friends dying for Crow to start planning his own death, it only took the first two. He was third on the list, but also always a step behind getting a warning to any of the others, too late to save anyone, and by the last of their class dead, or in the case of Jusis, imprisoned, he turned his attention to a more useful pursuit; revenge.

He'd thought, briefly, of rescuing Jusis himself, but that would have been a problem for a few reasons; it would have outed Crow as alive and a target, and it probably would have put Jusis in more danger than just leaving him in the care of his psycho but over-protective brother.

So he's been pursuing his own agenda, gathering a force of like-minded individuals, and while their main target does happen to be dead, there's a secondary one Crow isn't giving up on for personal reasons.

He hasn't gotten the memo that Rean's alive, deep in some backwoods for the last weeks, setting up something. Rean's lucky, in fact, he's back anywhere close to civilization.

He's not expecting anyone though, and so he picks up a gun before opening the door, hiding the firearm behind the frame but holding it ready as he looks out to see who it is. His hair is dyed black, making him look rather different but no less handsome, especially when he gives Rean that shocked look for a moment of someone who isn't believing what's in front of him.]

What the fuck.

[reeldeal]

--What did you do to your hair?!

[Rean's so incredibly happy to see Crow alive that he just blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. Of course as soon as it actually hits him he starts crying immediately. Sorry Crow, but you're getting the life hugged out of you, gun or no gun.]

You're really alive...

[wokebae]

Whoa there...

[Not that he isn't really happy--and fucking confused--to see Rean or anything, but, one, gun, two... Well. He's looping an arm around Rean and tugging him inside, closing the door with the gun hand and then setting the gun down by it so he can put that arm around Rean too.]

So, gonna explain how you're back from the dear or just cry all over me?

[ruinatings]

[While Rean's on his miserable adventure, Rufus & Jusis are on the mend. Rufus is discharged first, and he spends the month between going home and Jusis following doing work. He and Osborne had thoroughly, legally, stripped power from the monarchy, and taken over a dozen smaller countries in the last six months. Now Rufus is left in charge of the chaos, and that means there's so much busywork he manages to keep from thinking about all his failures and traumas.

Their steward did a good job in their absence, however. There's only so much for Rufus to do, with all the other significant political snakes erased months ago. The day-to-day can be delegated. Essentially, the Albareas can now live the lazy, decadent life of those so powerful and wealthy they may as well be royalty.

So it only takes three weeks to finish the setup. It's been a week since then, and Rufus has hardly gotten out of bed. He's so exhausted, so flattened by the revelation that everything he knew about himself and the world was wrong, that he can't bring himself to want to be awake. He gets up every day for a long bath, some tea, and a few picked-at bites of whatever high-class food the kitchen sends, but aside from that he just sleeps.

He doesn't even come to pick Jusis up from the hospital. A chauffeur is sent for that. But the driver, the butler that greets him, and the maid who brings him fresh clothes all tell him about it. They're worried. The most Rufus engages with anything is the time he spends each morning brushing out his hair and half-heartedly reading the news on his tablet. He still isnt talking to anyone, but at least for that one hour a day he shows interest in the world outside his suite.]

[saddleclub]

[Jusis is hurt by the lack of his brother at the hospital, and when he's not talking to Rean on the phone, which is most of the time, he's incredibly lonely. It's a long few weeks and an even more disheartening ride home. He listens to the chauffeur, the butler and the maids, and by the time he's in the mansion lonely hurt has transformed to deep worry. Oh the hurt isn't gone, but it's easy to ignore when there's other things to focus on, like his brother's obvious depression.

He doesn't make his way back to his room, instead walking down the opposite hall to Rufus's. He doesn't bother knocking, either, not wishing to give Rufus the option to turn him away, simply letting himself in the rooms that belong to his brother and approaching the bed where his brother has been apparently spending all his days.]

Rufus.

[ruinatings]

[Sleeping lightly is a habit depression hasn't broken, so Rufus wakes up as soon as he hears the doorknob turn. When he hears Jusis' voice, though, he decides it's not worth sitting up for. It's not that he doesn't want to see Jusis -- the opposite, actually. He wants nothing but Jusis. It's just that he realised how much he ruined things, how monstrous he'd been to his dear little brother, and so he can't bring himself to face him.

Jusis deserves better. Rufus doesn't trust himself not to make more ugly mistakes, when he's having such a hard time untangling what things he did wrong from what things he did right, and what thoughts and feelings are safe or unsafe for both of them. He has no idea, and it's the crushing uncertainty that's fueling this slump even more than the immense self-loathing. Rufus feels like a tiny raft afloat in a sea of regret and guilt filled with indescribable monsters made of traumas he's buried for decades. He doesn't have enough self-worth, a strong enough sense of self, to keep him from drowning in it.

He's tired and lost and even with Jusis in the room he doesn't have the will to do anything but roll over and bury his face in a pillow.]

Mmn.