ruinatings | PSL masterpost

[He's absolutely not staying in his room, though he's going to do a better job of eavesdropping this time.]

[Rufus honestly is not going to be surprised. Jusis staying put without being glued there is a real miracle, so it's a given he's going to run off. But Rufus hasn't had time to set up better security to keep Jusis in his room so, y'know, whatever.

The meeting this time is terribly stiff. There's a lot of discussion about how to make up for the information they lost and find out how the enemy is going to restructure after losing that base. On the one hand it's nice to have an enemy stronghold destroyed, but they're not sure yet how it's going to play out, and such explosive direct conflict is going to undermine their largely political maneuvers.

Osborne is pissed, to be frank. It's not that they can't recover from this mistake, or anything. It's just that allowing it to happen means Rufus failed in staying on top of things. Failure, in itself, sucks, but can be forgiven. The problem is that this failure was obviously caused by underestimating Jusis -- by being too soft on him, and more importantly, distracted by him. Rufus has been spending a lot of time on Jusis and his performance has slipped -- only by a slight bit, but that's still unacceptable, especially given how blatantly off-balance Rufus has been on the phone these past couple of weeks.

There's probably a little bit of an unhealthy possessiveness in that anger, but mainly it's utilitarian disapproval of something that's causing a great big hole in their plans. So Rufus gets a really tense lecture, which he takes well, politely apologetic without looking cowed. But then comes the order: Jusis needs to go. It was fine to keep him as a personal accessory, but now he's an obstacle and a detriment to Rufus' ability to work, and that can't be allowed to continue.

That part he doesn't take well. For the first time in a very, very long time, he tells Orborne no. Absolutely not. This option is not on the table. And from there it just escalates, because Osborne is listening to Rufus' feelings even less than Rufus has been listening to Jusis'. Instead he just tells him to grow up -- that casting aside troublesome attachments should be a given. Rufus has already thrown away everything else, and Osborne threw it away too, as Rufus knows quite well given he's the one who cut Rean down. If Rufus can have Osborne's son's blood on his hands, then Osborne can have Rufus' brother's blood on his. But Rufus won't accept it, hypocritical or no, so the conversation rapidly turns into a real argument, with raised voices and harsh words on all sides.

The shouting stops when, in a moment of heated desperation Rufus tells Osborne to get the hell out. He's done. They're done. After that it's a few breaths of dead silence, both of them processing that he's just crossed a line that he never would have crossed before and that he can't step back from. Then Rufus turns to storm out, and it gets violent. Rufus can't just quit. It's not his decision to make. He's a tool, and he's reminded of that when Osborne grabs him by the broken arm and slams him, face first, into the wall. Jusis can't hear most of what's said there, whispered harshly into his brother's ear, but it's an easy guess that it's just as brutal and ugly and demeaning as anything Rufus has said or done to Jusis. It's also easy to see exactly how imbalanced the relationship is, because Rufus freezes up rather than struggle, even though his arm's been yanked out of the sling and is being gripped tight as he's pinned against the wall. He doesn't fight. He just goes still, listening, until he's tossed to the floor as Osborne takes his leave.

He glances at Jusis, totally unsurprised to see him, and walks right past. Rufus on the other hand stays down, cradling his arm and staring at the floor. He's kind of in shock. His whole world just got cracked in two, after all.]

[He was halfway to busting his way inside and attacking Osborne when Osborne lets go of Rufus, he's still poised and tense with barely contained protective fury when Osborne passes him.

He almost doesn't care, that if he went for Osborne's life this moment he'd likely end his own. It wouldn't matter if he died, if he could end this person who hurt his brother.

But he's smart. And he's aware his chance, with no gun, no weapon in hand, of actually ending Osborne is minimal. And then he'd waste his own life for nothing. It galls him to the marrow of his bones to watch Osborne pass and to stand still, it feels like rank cowardice, but he forces himself past the man and practically trots to his brother's side, dropping to his knees in front of him, hands hovering over Rufus's shoulders.

Now that he's focusing on Rufus and not murderous rage, he's even more concerned. He's never seen such an expression on his brother's face, never seen Rufus freeze for anything. The uncertainty and disheveled hair make Rufus look all the more human, and more his age instead of ethereal. He drops a hand onto Rufus's shoulder, giving up on hesitation, his other reaching to gently inspect the abused arm. Rufus may not want his concern or his love or any of his soft feelings but he's giving them anyway. Rufus can't really stop him from it.]

[He doesn't try to stop him, this time. He doesn't bristle or protest at all. He's just quiet and pliable and mostly unresponsive. The wind just got knocked out of Rufus, emotionally, enough so that his thoughts feel scrambled and completely useless. His internal monologue is static, and he says nothing because he can't think of anything to say.]

[He gently settles Rufus's arm back in the sling while his brother looks shell-shocked, then hesitates. Should he put Rufus to bed with a story and warm milk? Hardly useful. He settles on his knees next to his brother and brushes Rufus's bangs back from his face, gentle touches until he just stops with both hands cupping Rufus's cheeks.]

I'm going to free you from that man.

[He says softly and with complete conviction.]

[Hey one upside: his arm isn't broken worse, it's just re-bruised and really really sore now. But that's a tiny upside in a sea of downsides. Rufus has never been so distressed in his life. He's never been really scared, and now he's totally petrified, not even for his own sake.

He doesn't pull away from Jusis at first. He does focus a bit more though, meeting Jusis' eyes with panic in his own. Jusis' words bring a lot of conflicting feelings. Rufus isn't ready for that kind of comfort just yet. He's not ready to admit he needs rescue, but he can't help feeling a little reassured anyway. Reassurance, though, feels humiliating, just as does the knowledge that Jusis watched that disgustingly display of weakness.

He lets Jusis' hands stay for a few seconds, but then shoves them away more harshly than necessary. He's flushed with embarrassment and an abundance of emotion that's giving him the completely foreign urge to cry, an urge he ruthlessly buries inside him, along with the equally miserable urge to collapse into Jusis' arms.]

I hope you're happy.

[He can't let himself admit to being shaken so instead he's just going to take it out on Jusis, just a little bit.]

[He's not just accepting that though. Pulling Rufus a little roughly into his arms. Making him accept a hug that is nothing more than just... A hug. Comfort and love and affection all just there. He;s got strong arms, he isn't small or weak, Rufus may be taller but pressed against Jusis's chest he can't pretend his brother is tiny and helpless and useless.]

Happy? I'm anything but. I'm furious. I should have killed him for touching you just now.

Don't be stupid.

[He's protesting but it just sounds tired, and he's not actually struggling to get out of Jusis' arms.]

Under no circumstances are you permitted to die.

[And that's exactly what would have happened. Jusis would have died, and Rufus would have ruined his life for nothing.]

I'm aware.

[He heard the argument. It leaves him feeling warm inside, despite the continued rage at Osborne. He never doubted his brother did love him, but it still makes him happy to know how much, to have it demonstrated, even in such a terrible way. He rubs his hand over Rufus's back.]

I know, I wouldn't be so selfish as to abandon you that way, for my own satisfaction. But I will see him rendered powerless or dead.

I'm not asking you to do that.

[No, actually, he'd much prefer if he could just talk his way into a solution that doesn't involve losing anything. If he could keep Jusis safe and stay at that man's side...

He knows there's never been a drop of love in that relationship. It's just that's where he's used to being, and he's frankly afraid to face a future where he's got to find a new place to exist. If he pulled off a coup of his own he'd be glad to see Osborne dead, but this is different. This is Rufus being discarded as a tool that's no longer useful, and given Rufus has never been anything but a tool for his entire life, it feels like Osborne just crumpled up Rufus' entire sense of self-worth into a ball and tossed it in the trash.

It's his own fault. He's the one who let himself slip. He's the one who can't let go of something that's detrimental to his position. He's the one who said he'd quit, then he actually desperately wants to stay where he feels he belongs. And that's why he's facing a choice, whispered in his ear along with reminders of his own insignificance, that's not really a choice at all. Give up Jusis, or give up everything else and become worthless. It's an ultimatum that's more horrible than anything he's ever faced or done, and the worst thing about it is that a part of him actually wants to choke the life out of Jusis, if it'll allow him to keep the rest of his world intact.]

I don't need you to rescue me.

Well, then will you help me do it?

[He wants to rescue his brother, swoop in like a shining knight, because he does like the idea of helping like this, of relieving Rufus of a burden.

But he's practical, and more than that he really... Understands people. People don't like getting rescued. People don't like feeling helpless, in general. More so when that person is as strong and fierce and crafty as Rufus. All he could could do by "rescuing" his brother is damage his pride.

He wants to prove to Rufus that strength is more than force, but how can he do that without extending his hand every chance he has? He can't do things alone, both on principle and just for practical reasons. Even if he didn't want his brother to be active in helping him overthrow Osborne, he has a much better chance with Rufus than without him.]

I...

[An hour or two ago he would have said no. He still wants to say no. But he's got to be practical (always be practical), and practically, unless he's willing to murder Jusis in the next week he's getting dumped and probably their house will be burned down and other such things. He knows he's not going to kill Jusis, so his only options are give up and let them both be killed or driven to ruin, or join Jusis' little rebellion idea. If anyone could make that plan work, it's Rufus, after all.

But that's a lot to think about and he hasn't fully processed his emotions yet, so he can't say yes either. He's not ready to lose Jusis but he's also not ready to accept his reality fracturing. It'll take a lot of practical thought to get over that.

It occurs to him suddenly that maybe he was, actually, emotionally invested in that twisted, loveless relationship. The very idea brings a lot of shame, because he always knew he was being used and he always knew he wasn't loved. It was, from the very start, supposed to be utilitarian -- a way for Osborne to more securely achieve his goals and a way for Rufus to fully exercise his talent. Somewhere along the way Rufus completely bought in to the ideals he was fighting for, at the cost of a pretty big chunk of sanity. But he still thought of it as a simple business relationship, with a bit of fun on the side and no real loyalty at all. So it's shocking to think that maybe he's so incredibly upset because somewhere deep down he was genuinely attached. Because working hard just for the satisfaction of winning had turned into driving himself to extremes for the sake of being praised by the man he'd dedicated almost every part of himself to, and being that man's tool had become such a big part of his self-esteem because it was the best route to the validation he'd come to crave.

Once that dawns on him he's pretty much done. He feels so stupid. How could he be so foolish as to let himself care, and not even realise it? To tear apart everything around him including himself just for the tiniest shreds of patronizing approval? He's even torn up Jusis, the only person who's ever actually loved him, and he feels guilty that he can't even entirely regret that. That he doesn't want to believe in Jusis' soft ideals even now, because he's put so much into the opposite for so long. More than anything though he just feels humiliated, because the truth is he's heartbroken over someone who's been the center of his world for his entire adult life and yet cares so little he can toss Rufus aside and not miss him for an instant.

He believes that a rational, composed person shouldn't let anyone else's opinion or attention affect their own opinion of themselves. He knows that Osborne couldn't care less what Rufus thinks of him. But it's too late to rationalize it away, so now that he's recognized that idiotic weakness in himself he's overwhelmed by it -- by grief and shame and a crippling sense of worthlessness that he can't help but buckle under, because all the foundations of his identity have been knocked out.

For lack of better option he drops his face down against Jusis' shoulder, lifting his good hand to curl his fingers tight in the back of his shirt. He's trembling with the effort of holding it all in but after a few sharp, hiccuping breaths the dam breaks, and he starts to cry with all the force of a lifetime of bottled feelings and all the naked vulnerability of the child he was never allowed to be.]

[He's never seen his brother so broken down. So beaten. So vulnerable and human, actually. He doesn't like it. Not because he doesn't want Rufus to feel the things people who acknowledge having feelings feel, but because like any person with empathy, he hates seeing someone he loves so hurt.

He tightens his arms around Rufus, strokes his back, kissing the top of his head and holding him firmly while he cries.

He remembers crying like this on Rufus, he remembers Rufus telling him he'd be fine.

He can't tell Rufus that, because he can't lie. He doesn't know, but he knows he'll do anything to protect and help his brother. He loves him more than anything... Of all the things he's loved, Rufus is the only one left. And Rufus is... Far from perfect, far from even a good person, but Jusis loves him. Will never stop loving him, no matter how he breaks down or hurts. And he wants, more than anything, to be in some way the rock of support the Rufus once was for him.]

I'm here.

[He says softly, hoping that might be, if not enough to fix anything, some small comfort to cling to.]

[He has definitely never had a meltdown before -- at least not since he was a really tiny child. He's been burying his feelings for longer than Jusis has been alive, so there's a lot that needs to come out. He doesn't even understand what most of those feelings are, just that as soon as he's opened one door they've all come open and he's totally falling apart.

Tomorrow he'll go back to being polished and genteel and beautiful. Right now he's just a mess, with fresh bruises beginning to darken over the faded remains of the ones he got just a couple of weeks ago, in a mission he knew was a test of loyalty but he now recognizes as a self-destructive attempt to keep from falling out of favor. Even by then he knew things were on thin ice. They'd been that way since the day he came back from killing Rean, with Osborne's full encouragement, to find cold eyes and rough hands waiting. But he'd figured that'd pass. He didn't expect to be cornered the way he is now and he didn't expect to hate it so much.

He knows if he did as requested and prostrated himself thoroughly enough he could get his position back, but-- but Jusis. No matter how much this hurts, he can't honestly say that throwing himself at Osborne would be worth losing Jusis. It wouldn't be worth anything, really. Now that the illusion is shattered, it can't be put back together. For that matter, now that he's cracked in front of Jusis, he can't go back to pretending he's a functioning human being. So for now he's just going to allow himself to be childish and vulnerable, and allow Jusis to be an anchor. He can get all his crying done right now and then focus on what to actually do about everything tomorrow.]

This is so stupid.

[He's half-laughing through his tears, with a hoarse voice. The situation is stupid. Breaking down over it is stupid. Rufus is stupid. All the scheming and clever plans in the world haven't actually made him any less of a blind idiot, and he's only got himself to blame for the consequences.]

Hmph.

[His heart aches to see his brother like this but at the same time, hearing that crying laugh is oddly relieving. He leans his forehead to Rufus's, close and holding him and just. He wishes if he held him tight enough he could chase away everything bad. He wants to have that power.]

Even you can't be expected to be perfect all the time. For one, you have terrible taste.

[It might be really insensitive to rub a bad breakup into anyone else's face, it might be insensitive now, but Jusis is... Himself. He's not delicate and charming the way Rufus is, but his bluntness is its own kindness. He's not going to treat Rufus delicately, though he will offer all of his support and everything he can to help his brother not collapse completely from this catastrophic end to a truly long and vile relationship.]

You may be right.

[Jusis is definitely right. Jusis is probably right about a lot of things, some of which Rufus can admit to and a lot of which he can't yet, mostly because he can't wrap his head around it. Fortunately for Jusis, Rufus at least recognizes that he fucked up, and that he's been operating under some serious delusions. He doesn't yet understand what's real and what's not but the first step to fixing anything is acknowledging there's something to fix. So, y'know, baby steps.

He smiles faintly at Jusis, but that pose is just too sweet to hold, so he pulls away and tries to stand. He can go be sad in a chair instead of on the floor, and maybe regain a little dignity.]

I need to think.

[That smile is heartbreaking and he really doesn't want to let go. He pulls on Rufus. not too forceful, his brother can stand if he really tries, but... He thinks Rufus pulling away is bad. He was just crying his damn eyes out, going and pretending he has himself together seems like a step back.]

You can think later. We do have a little time before he decides you won't kill me, right?

You picked up on that, did you?

[Well duh. Even if it was a whisper there's no other reason Osborne would have left after that argument unless he was giving Rufus a chance to comply. It was obvious and Jusis is smart so there's no point in trying to deflect him.

Rufus does escape the hug, though, and moves to an arm chair. He plops down and leans back rather than sit all dainty and polite like usual, but even tired and puffy-eyed and disheveled he's still unfairly graceful and pretty.]

We have a week, and we'll need every second of it if we want to accomplish anything less miserable than fleeing into the unwashed masses with nothing but our pride.

[Rufus doesn't look like he's ready to be a crafty commander right now, though. He looks worn out, and the theatrical gesture he makes as he talks looks floppy and lazy instead of grand.]

[Jusis sighs and gets off the floor, looking at his brother. Even in this state Rufus is unfairly beautiful. And also worrying.

He walks over and takes his brother's good hand, tugging him out of the chair if he can.]

I'm not stupid. And neither are you. You're not going to accomplish anything sitting there looking miserable, come with me.

Edited 2018-07-11 12:38 (UTC)

Come with you where?

[Fineee he'll get up. But he doesn't want to.]

[He will hold Rufus's hand and lead him to his brother's room, gently turn him and set him on the edge of the bed, if Rufus lets him.]

We're going to win. But first you need to rest.

[He lets it happen but he looks confused. There's so much of the day left to get things done! Why would he slow down ever?]

I'm not ill.

[He gives his brother a flat look and drops to his knees in front of him, starting to work at the laces of his boots to pull them off.]

I already knew you were clueless about things but honestly, do you think physical blows are the only ones that can slow someone down? You need time to rest. I know that man is strong, and we don't have the proper time, but you won't be any more use until you've rested a bit. We can work extra hard tomorrow.

[He's not used to emotional blows, Jusis! How is he supposed to know how to take care of that kind of wound? He is, in fact, clueless. He doesn't even understand why it's making him feel so tired and frazzled. Rufus has never been a person so he's never dealt with things like "being depressed" and "questioning yourself". What he does understand though is that being idle makes him antsy, so even though he feels like he's been run over he still doesn't want to just rest.]

Jusis.

[Stop being weird. Rufus is just going to try to pull him up because a. he doesn't want to rest and b. having Jusis treat him like a kid is awkward.]

I'm not charging onto a battlefield, but I am perfectly capable of not wasting time.

Recovering is not a waste of time, you nincompoop.

[He plants his feet as Rufus pulls him up, setting his hands on Rufus's knees and leaning in to put his face right in his brother's.]

You are not alone, tomorrow, you won't be making or executing your actions on your own, I will be right there. And right now, you are also stuck with me, and I am insisting that you treat yourself like you're an actual human being and not some kind of infallible machine.

You will take some time to rest if I have to tie you to the bed myself.

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