ruinatings | PSL masterpost

If I try to do things your way I'll have lost from the start.

[He's going to believe in stupid impossible happy ending outcomes until Rufus strips all hope from him or until he makes it happen, those are the options.]

Maybe so.

[It should be a good sign that Jusis is so determined for a happy ending, right?? If he gives up on that naivety then he'll definitely never save the world. It still seems stupid to Rufus, though. He has no intention of losing to Jusis without being killed, and no intention of pretending a normal life after the fact even if he lives.]

You're really quite adorable when you're showing that kind of conviction.

[It's frustrating, but he's not going to get Rufus to take him seriously by anything but his own actions, and right now he doesn't have a way to act, so he puts up with it.]

It's fine if you think so.

[For now. It's fine for now.]

I do.

[He's setting down his coffee to pull Jusis into a hug even. He's just such a cute little brother! And Rufus doesn't want to let him go, even a little. He feels a little more alive whenever his hands are on Jusis, so even this relatively chaste contact is lovely.]

[He's stiff for a second. He can't ever quite react to Rufus with the same trust he used to have, but the resistance is minimal and relaxes quickly. He even lets himself lean into it. More than anything he really needs a hug or fifty, and even if he hasn't fixed things yet, he can't say it doesn't hurt but feel nice to be pulled into his brother's arms.

Maybe it's all twisted and fucked up but he lifts his hands after a moment to hold onto Rufus in return, face tucked against Rufus's shoulder, hidden. Maybe he shouldn't take any comfort in this at all, or want this at all, but he does anyway. His relationship with Rufus had changed from complete trust, obviously, but he really hasn't and won't stop loving him so much, so for now he'll struggle not to cry with how much he needed a hug.]

[The way he holds Jusis, petting his hair and keeping him close, is just like he used to. There's such horrible things tainting it now, but the gesture is the same and his fondness is genuine.]

Whatever you do, we'll be fine. I'm not going to leave you as long as I'm alive.

[What he implies is he's either going to keep Jusis prisoner forever or die trying, but he's not lying. He really doesn't want to lose Jusis, ever.]

[He takes what comfort in it he can. Wanting to be small and naive and have Rufus holding him mean he feels safe and protected but it doesn't feel that way any more. It's still something he doesn't dislike, though he should at this point, and he clings to his brother tighter just for a little while.

He's not crying. It would probably be healthy to cry but he can hardly afford to be healthy. He can only keep going until he finds a way to make things better.]

I'll keep you to that.

[Because as long as Rufus is alive and Jusis has won that means Rufus can't go complaining about it.]

I'm sure you will.

[He's sure that Jusis will pursue him relentlessly, regardless of what he does. Jusis is strong. Even if Rufus breaks him he'll still do his best.]

You'll have time to think about it. I've got to go back to work tomorrow.

Very well.

[He's pulling away from Rufus now, before he gets too spoiled by actual kind treatment. It's also something to think about. If Rufus is leaving for a while that's an opportunity. Naturally Rufus will have precautions in place for Jusis trying to take advantage of that, but he won't be so careless this time.

He'll need to take proper time to assess and execute an escape and then, from there, see if anyone is left he could call on for help thwarting his brother and that man. Even the first part may be nearly impossible, with Rufus expecting him to try and escape, but if he can't even manage to free himself he has no hope of beating his brother in the first place.]

[Jusis is left to try. Rufus expects him to do his best, and thus he leaves very tight security. If Jusis is strong enough, he'll overcome all obstacles Rufus places, so there's no reason to hold back.

He's not actually gone that long, though. Within a week he's back, and this time he's brought a certain very important guest. He doesn't come to see Jusis immediately, because he's busy having tea and discussing world domination, not bothering to hide the conversation because they've already seized power. And then after about an hour of that, he's busy getting hot and heavy on the couch. He's sure Jusis will come around at some point to spy on them, and he's not sure he wants his brother to see him in such a vulnerable state, but he's not about to say no. So if Jusis does sneak up on them, he's going to walk up on a heavy makeout session that's definitely not going to stop there.]

[Naturally, having failed to find his opening in Rufus's absence, Jusis decides to eavesdrop on his brother and Osborne.

A decision he deeply regrets when things go from politics to politics and heavy petting. And he's knocking something over in his haste to get the hell away from that room. He doesn't care if he's noticed he just wants nothing to do with what's going on in there. The little he did see and hear is going to haunt him.]

[Of course they hear it. And Rufus immediately assumes it was Jusis. But y'know, they're busy, so Jusis can hide for awhile. Rufus will come bother him in another hour, freshly out of the shower with damp hair and pyjamas and marks all over his neck.]

You shouldn't go spying if you aren't prepared to see something you don't like.

[He leans in the doorway, somehow still dazzlingly graceful even in such a casual pose.]

[God he doesn't want to think about why Rufus is damp and also he doesn't want to see those marks at all. It's not even jealousy, it just feels... Wrong. Weird. Sick.]

He's decades older than you.

[Is the first thing out of his mouth.]

And?

[It's been going on so long Rufus doesn't see anything wrong. The thing is, he's never had functional relationships with people older than him. It's always been a performance -- Rufus Albarea, so smart, so strong, so easy to like, so useful. He's always been praised, always been talented, but he's also always known his value is based on success and not on who he is as a person. He's never been allowed to misstep, and he's been confident in his own power since he was a child. He's been expected to put his talent to use since he was a child, too. So it just feels normal, this relationship where he knows he's being used. That's how people are, so he wants to be used by the greatest person possible -- age has nothing to do with it. Only power, and the knowledge that his talents are best applied to someone who's good enough to direct them. The physical relationship is just an expression of that.

He's really, genuinely confused by Jusis' concern.]

And..?

[He takes a deep breath and scrubs at his face. How does he start?]

How long has this been going on?

Hm?

[There's a tilt of his head, watching Jusis with a puzzled look. He must be looking for information he can use to escape. But Rufus isn't sure what the timeframe would tell Jusis that he'd actually use. He's too idealistic to leverage that kind of thing.]

Twelve years, or so.

[Since Rufus was 17, two years before he even met Jusis, and three years younger than Jusis is now. But he was a mastermind of the aristocracy already at the time.]

What?!

[He was guessing a while but that long would make Rufus younger than him. He needs a second for the shock to pass, to process this information and the horror that comes with it.]

I don't see why you're so upset.

[What, is he jealous? That's cute.]

You don't-- Rufus! Would if be fine if I was f-fucking him when I was seventeen?

[He stumbles on the rude word out of embarrassment but mostly he's appalled. How does he start to explain why he's so upset? Why is Rufus, the most brilliant person he knows, so clueless as to why Jusis is mad?? Doesn't he know Jusis cares about him?

The conversation about love plays in the back of his mind and he's aware, all too intimately, that his brother's concept of love is skewed, but surely he can find some way to express why it's upsetting.]

If that's what you really wanted, I wouldn't stop you.

[He doesn't see why he should. Rufus is the one who decided to chase that relationship. He was living an adult's life, so what's the problem?]

But you're soft. You're more a child now than I was then.

Being soft has nothing to do with being childlike.

[He clenches his fists, staring at Rufus in dismay.]

I'm upset because... If anyone had cared about you enough to notice, or find out, they would have told you not to... Because he's using you. And yes I know that you know that. But that doesn't make it okay! I don't want you to be used. You're--you're someone precious and important and I don't care if it's some mutual lust... That kind of age difference, you are seventeen, there's way too much power imbalance, it's not healthy, it's him being gross.

[For once in his life Rufus is really thrown off. How is he supposed to respond to that? If anyone had cared... Why would they? People don't care about eachother, as a general rule. "Healthy" is the exception.

...Isn't it? He knew Jusis was a gentle person, but he's so unused to the idea of someone worrying about something as meaningless as a power imbalance is just... weird. And it kind of makes his chest hurt.

For a moment he's lost his tongue. He just stares at Jusis in startled confusion, crossing his arms in a way he'd pounce on as a sign of defensiveness, if he were seeing it in someone else. He really doesn't get it. Jusis has such a vastly different view of the world that Rufus is starting to wonder if he can really, truly account for it in his plans. What if Jusis really is stronger...?]

Honestly, Jusis, I fail to see what you want from this conversation.

[Jusis can at least tell this is confusing Rufus, even making him uncomfortable, but he's not the type of person to use that, he just looks at him with open concern and upset. He doesn't know what to do. He feels so helpless. Like he couldn't help his brother at all, even though this was a thing before he even met him.]

What I... What I want.

[He takes a deep breath, feeling sad. Looking it, too.]

Not everything is goals and manipulations and machinations, brother. I just... I do love you. I don't even know if you can comprehend what I really mean, when I say that. But part of it is being unable to accept that you're content with being used, that this has gone on so long and not only could I do nothing, I was utterly oblivious. That you genuinely don't seem to find anything upsetting about it is upsetting to me.

In my heart you deserve to be adored and treated with respect, not for your usefulness or cleverness or whatever plans you help fulfill, but simply because you are you.

[Wow. That's so... strange. Not entirely, because Rufus does love Jusis, too. For a long time he loved him honestly as well, gently, without really understanding why. It just made him happy, to see Jusis smile.

But that's gone now. His love's all twisted up, and no matter how brilliantly intelligent Rufus is, when it comes to his own feelings he's a total dunce. He can't say it because he doesn't understand it. That he wanted Jusis to be happy. That he didn't want to see him as empty as Rufus is. That he's possessive now because he was and is, truly, afraid he'll lose him if he doesn't hold him so close it's strangling.

Somewhere deep down he knows that Jusis is the only person who's ever loved him for himself. But if he acknowledges that softness, it'll put the rest of his life in a terrible perspective. If Jusis' pure love has value, then Rufus has been wrong. As much as he's been hoping to lose, he hasn't entirely figured out why, and now that he's actually thinking about it he doesn't want to lose afterall. Because if Jusis won, Rufus would no longer be able to say he's okay. He wouldn't be able to say that all he's done is justified, or that there's nothing missing in a life as a playing piece. Jusis being right about the nature of love would mean that Rufus' sins are unforgivable, and more disturbingly that he does actually have a reason to be upset about the lack of love he's experienced.

He doesn't want that shift in reality, so he's closing his heart to it. For a moment there's something vulnerable in his eyes, if not in the rest of his face, but then he just goes cold.]

You really are childish. Have you forgotten your position in the last few days?

[His heart is breaking, seeing that expression come and then disappear in Rufus. Jusis is an awkward boy but he does understand feelings. He sees far more than most with them as well, and yet he doesn't know what to say to protect or heal his brother's heart and it's killing him.

He's not stupid either, he's not Rufus but he's an incredibly intelligent young man and he can just... Feel the shift in mood, the defensiveness coming because he's hit on something Rufus doesn't understand but he's hit on it too late for Rufus to want it.

He could cry.]

It's no use trying to make me regret how I feel about you or what I've said. It's all true. You can't push it away by being cruel, you'll only hurt us both, but you won't change anything.

Edited 2018-07-09 08:16 (UTC)

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