ruinatings | PSL masterpost

Oh, I'm not.

[He takes his hand back this time, staring at his bloodied fingers with a detached smile Jusis can't see.]

I really am proud. You're so soft, but so resilient. That may be why I love you so dearly.

You'll survive this. You may even rise up and destroy me one day.

[Rufus isn't sure he'd mind if that happened. In fact that might be exactly what he wants to see. If someone as kind and pure-hearted as Jusis can defeat him, defeat Osborne, then maybe the world will be okay after all. A world where Rufus loses is almost definitely a better world than one where he wins.

Jusis isn't going to save the world today, though. He's not even going to be treated as gently as before. If Jusis is going to fight, Rufus will quit pretending this isnt a violent act. He gets his own pants open and then, slicking himself only with what's on his messy fingers, takes Jusis all in one go.]

[He screams. Pride can't muffle how badly that hurts, being taken practically dry and unprepared. If he weren't already crying he would be now, and the taste of blood in his mouth just make it all worse.

He's shaking under Rufus, slumped forward with the desk holding his own weight as he struggles to breathe through the sobbing and pain. He's not asking anything now, or calling for his brother at this point. He's just enduring, miserable and still, still feeling the shivery residual arousal from Rufus's attention, his hands, the memory of his lips leaving marks that sting a little on Jusis's skin.

He can't even feel happy at his brother's praise, because he thinks it would be better for him if maybe he couldn't survive this with any of himself intact.]

[He knows it hurts and that's not at all stopping him. He is gentle in fucking Jusis, but it's the contrast between the kind pace and the cruel way of doing it that highlights the twisted form of Rufus' feelings for Jusis. He loves his brother, truly, deeply, but he also wants to possess him. He wants to pull him close and claim every inch of his body, every thought in his mind. At the same time, there'd be no greater satisfaction than feeling Jusis run him through, after a long and hard-fought battle.

He stays close, sharing as much warmth as he can when there are still clothes involved, one hand on Jusis' hip and the other reaching around to touch him again, unwilling to let the pleasure completely fade.]

[He's not sure what's worse, the raw pain, or when that fades enough to start being overcome by a relentless, sick sort of pleasure. His sobs are sometimes tinged by moans as Rufus continues, and he's ashamed and turned on and sad and hating this even when Rufus coaxes pleasure out of him.

He doesn't have anything more to say at this point, so he concentrates on trying to keep his noises to a minimum, gritting his teeth and fighting back internally against the relentlessness of his brother's domination. That's certainly one of the correct words for what this is. It's not love, it's conquest.]

[Conquest is a good word. To Rufus, there isn't much difference between the two, though. He's been living in a world where destruction, betrayal, and control are just different ways to express love. To him, there's nothing illogical about the contradiction between hurting Jusis and wanting him to be safe. It feels natural, fucking his brother until he comes inside of him with a groan, stroking Jusis to a forced mutual conclusion. It feels equally natural to whisper "I love you"s into his ear at the same time.]

[He can't hold back a strangled noise that's as much grief as it is pleasure when he comes to the skillful work of Rufus's fingers, feeling too filled by his brother's come, raw and violated and emotionally ripped to shreds. The words still echo in his ears and heart, warm and wrong and conflicting. Love? This isn't what you could call love. And yet he desperately wants it to be true anyway, wants his brother's love and wants to love him back but how can any of that survive this? It hurts too much to think about really. Everything hurts too much to think about.]

[Rufus takes only a moment to steady his breath before pulling out, cleaning himself up neatly with a handkerchief and tucking himself back into his pants. He then unties Jusis, gently helping him up and fluffing his hair with his less-sticky hand.]

You survived after all.

[How? How can his brother act like this was nothing? Like things are normal and fine? His legs are shaky as Rufus pulls him up and he's still got blood on his lips, his brother's come leaking down his thighs as he straightens, having to keep one hand on the desk to keep from collapsing on the floor.

The other hand he uses to knock Rufus's hand from his hair.]

Don't touch me.

[His cheeks are still wet and his eyes red from tears, but the anger and hurt is sharp and lends him enough strength not to just collapse in on himself right now.]

[He's not remotely surprised Jusis is angry. He'd be a little worried if he wasn't. But he's not upset that Jusis is angry. His dear little brother is cutest when he's happy, but unhappiness is part of him too, and Rufus doesn't regret his actions at all. If they lead to Jusis becoming stronger in the end, he regrets them even less.

His smile, as he lifts his hand and waggles bloody fingers at Jusis, is still warm and gentle and affectionate.]

As you wish. I'll give you some space to think.

[He hates this, but he grits his teeth and stares Rufus down. About as effective and threatening as a wobbly kitten staring down an eagle. But he glares all the same. He takes a breath, and another, forcing himself to stand straight and pull his pants up, even though his ass hurts like hell and he feels gross and it's all awful.

He has nothing else to say right now, anything he might try to get out would sound sad and pathetic and needy, because when it comes down to it part of him still wants Rufus to comfort him for... What Rufus has done. It's a futile, childish desire, and it won't get him anywhere, so as long as Rufus is backing off for now, he's going to go take a shower to get clean, and also cry.]

[He will in fact leave Jusis to cry. Rufus has paperwork to do, now that he's disposed of their father. He'll have Jusis called to dinner though, for a very nice formal occasion with just a table between them.]

[He thinks about refusing to go, locking himself in his room. It still hurts to walk. But if he hides in his room and cries, what does he accomplish? It won't make things better, it won't fix a damn thing, and he'll just be useless on top of miserable. So he gets dressed, combs his hair, and limps his way to the dinning room, sitting uncomfortably across from Rufus.

Everything is too... Raw. Too painful. His mind is too much in chaos to be clear right now, but at least he's showing his face, at least he's not hiding, no matter how badly he wants to. Who can say if his pride means anything at all, but here it is.

Still, with the mental state of shock he's in he's too subdued to start a conversation, not even an angry or sad one. The most he has is showing up and trying not to look defeated.]

You're awfully quiet.

[Of course he is. It's understandable. But Rufus can't help wanting to talk to him anyway. He knows he's hurt Jusis, horribly, but in his mind there are two outcomes: either Jusis will get used to it and allow a semblance of normalcy, or Jusis will be toughened by it, and maybe save the world. Either one is good, so Rufus will just carry on with the full confidence that everything will be fine.]

You don't have any questions?

You can't expect me to have much to say.

[After what Rufus has done, to Jusis and to Jusis's loved ones, what can he say? He picks up his glass of wine and then just downs it. He doesn't approve of liquid courage but nothing really seems to matter right now and he'd welcome the numbness from physical and emotional pain.

As for questions, he has so many. And yet he doesn't want any of the answers. But that's cowardice, and he won't be a coward, no matter how scared he is.]

Answer me honestly, did you ever care for me, brother?

[Because Jusis may be messed up in his own ways but he understands love enough to know what Rufus feels for him certainly doesn't qualify. Did it ever? Was there ever truth to the brother he knew or was it all his own delusion?]

[What a question. Rufus actually looks a little surprised -- and then a little sad. He twirls his own wine glass, smiling at Jusis wistfully, just as gentle as always but certainly less bright.]

You're the only person I've ever truly loved. I won't pretend it isn't my fault you're questioning that, but it will always remain the truth.

[His fists clench and he wants to scream. He certainly has to fight back to confused tears of rage and pain and hurt and longing.]

How can you say that?!

Do you think love means never hurting the person you care for?

[Rufus sets his wine down and leans his elbows on the table, folding his hands as he looks Jusis straight in the eyes.]

I've been cruel to you today, by any measure. That's a choice I made consciously, in order to pursue the future I desire for us both.

[His fingernails dig deep into his palms as he stares his brother down.]

No. There's a difference between hurting someone and everything you've done. I don't give a damn about the future you desire if this is the way you get it, brother. But at least have the decency to be honest with me, if you have any honor left for it.

This isn't about love. You're doing whatever you want selfishly.

I'm being entirely honest. Love isn't such a pure thing, Jusis. Love is selfish and ugly.

[Rufus might have some issues here. Maybe.]

As we speak, all around the world, people are being cruel in the name of love. Parents deny their children their own will. Lovers make jealous accusations. Husbands keep their wives from pursuing their dreams. Arranged marriages are made, for the sake of protecting a child's financial future. There are people who'd kill the ones they love, rather than lose them, and a thousand small cruelties we as a society consider a part of the dialogue of love.

I am, entirely, a selfish man. But if I weren't, you'd be dead.

[What does he say to that. None of that is really incorrect but it doesn't make it right, either. He presses a palm to his cheek under his eye, teeth gritted, angry and hurt and sad.]

Is that really the way you view the world?

Am I wrong?

[He sure doesn't think so. There's no hesitation. He doesn't look the least bit concerned about Jusis disagreeing -- he knows he's right.]

[He drops his hand and looks Rufus in the eye again, saying flatly and without hesitation;]

You're wrong.

Nothing you said is incorrect, and yet, you're still wrong. Love is not always so bleak or painful. It's not simply about controlling others. For all your examples I have my own. There are those out there encouraging each other's dreams. People who love each other inspiring one another to reach greater heights. In this world there are countless parents toiling to ensure their children see a better future, and husbands and wives comforting each other after a bad day. I could list a thousand ways love is selfless and happens every day all over the world in all kinds of ways.

Even you've shown love in ways that aren't cruel. Maybe your end intentions were always selfish, but I don't believe the man used to read with me in the garden and taught me how to have pride, always wished to hurt me and confine me like a prize.

[His gaze is steady, though fully of emotional tears, and his voice wavers with those emotions, but not in his conviction.]

You are without a doubt one of the most intelligent men in the world, brother, but you are wrong.

That's a lot of passion you've got.

[But Rufus isn't moved. All those nice things are real, too, yes. The kindness he's shown Jusis in the past is real. But it'll take a lot more than one heroic speech to convince Rufus that cruelty isn't an equal part of it -- two sides of one coin.]

And naivety. I'll take your position seriously when you can show me you're strong enough to support it.

[He takes a deep breath.]

Very well. I accept your challenge.

[He has no idea how to go about this, but that can hardly stop him. At the very least, he's a kind enough person that despite what Rufus has done to him, to his friends, he's still deeply upset by Rufus's view on love. It hurts to think that's what his brother understands as the core of love.]

I sincerely hope you manage it.

[He does. If Jusis can grow strong enough to win, then Rufus really can believe better of the world. That a warm vision of humanity can actually prevail. Rufus is a supremely fucked up person, but there's enough good in him that he dearly wishes to be proved wrong.]

In the meantime, however, don't expect leniency.

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